Settle in, wrap up in a blanket, sip a cup of tea, this is a long one! Today I'm going to do a little bit of sharing, in the hopes that if there is anyone out there listening in need of encouragement, they'll find their way to these words. They'll know they aren't alone. They'll know that there is a way out of the blackness, a way back to joy and happiness once again, or maybe for the first time ever.
Without overwhelming you, and going into too much detail right now, through a series of events I found myself living in the dark and suffocating world of panic disorder. It was hell on earth. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, until I gratefully slipped into sleep at night, my days were one terrified breath after another. No words can describe the profound, overwhelming and constant despair that surrounded me, infecting my every thought with fear. Each day was long and lonely, and although I did not actually comtemplate suicide, I can see why others would. A lifetime of this? Suicide may seem your only option, the only door that could free you from this nightmare. The pain was unbearably constant. This was a well guarded secret that I lived, and kept for quite some time. My facade was in place, and I was determined to keep it there, no matter what was going on below the surface. I was very good at it, I must say, until the day I found myself sobbing uncontrollably, to the great dismay of my husband and father, who stood by helpless, and unable to stop the tears of despair.
I had lived my life as the steady one, the oldest of 4 children. I had the most perfect life growing up, two wonderful parents, a stay at home mom, a horse of my own, siblings to bicker and play with. My childhood was solid and joyful, and if given the choice, I would choose it all again. At 21 I married my high school sweetheart, quit my job, bought a house, and started my own pet grooming business, which did remarkably well. I didn't doubt my success for a moment, and as a result, I couldn't, and didn't fail. I had three children, all girls, in quick succession. I decided homeschooling was the only choice for me, and continues to be. As an adult I had one family member after another come to me, often living with me for a spell when their lives were in turmoil because, well, I was rock solid. I talked both my mother and father through their divorce, having been together since they were 17, they didn't really have anyone besides each other to turn to...except me. I say all of this to make the point that this wasn't supposed to happen to someone like me. At 26 or 27 I had things all figured out. Well, I'm sure that it will come as now surprise that the Universe had things to show me, and in order to do that, it had to break down all that I thought I knew, and begin again.
It was a steady descent into panic. I've never been fan of medication, and so resisted for at least a year and a half, until the day of the tears. At that point, I wanted a magic pill. I wanted the pain to go away. I didn't want to try and figure out why this was happening to me anymore, I just wanted it to end. So, I tried the medication. It didn't last. I probably knew it wouldn't. I didn't want to have to depend on meds to keep me happy for the rest of my life. What if at one point I could no longer have access to my magic pills? And what were they doing to my body that no one yet knew? There was a way out, there had to be, that didn't involve just covering up the problem. The little, magic pills didn't really work, but they renewed my hope. I was ready to try again. Relaxation, meditation, books... I tried them all. For approximately three longs years (~1095 miserable days), I was afraid of everything. Going out, staying home, having people over, being alone. Everything made me feel trapped, I needed an "escape" route open to me at all times. Sleep was my only reprieve.
Then I picked up a book. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It didn't just change my life, it gave me a whole new one. I thought I was joyful before (pre-panic)... not even close to the balanced constant peace that I feel most days now. One book would lead me to another, and another. Each day was all about applying and living what I was learning, and although it wasn't easy to undo a lifetime of habits, I gave it everything I had. The journey became a spiritual one, my faith became unshakable. I knew everything would be fine. Period. And then, finally, the day I had been waiting for... a day where I had 2 solid minutes of peace. 2 whole, joyful minutes fear free, and at that time, 2 mintues was an eternity. Later, a day where I had an hour (now that was momentous!) Then a week, a month. I still work on myself. I meditate daily, I continue to read and learn. I know now that the journey well never be complete, and that no matter how much I think I know, there will always be more to learn, valuable jewels waiting for me in the next book, the next sentence, the next words from a stranger's mouth. I have suspended judgements and opinions for this lifetime. I can only know what works for me, no one else. I have found the joy in myself, not through external "things".
And then there are occasional days like today. A very low energy day, depression sneaks in, all of life looks gloomy. I believe that I bring these days to me on occasion, so that I don't forget. Before my foray into anxiety and terror I thought that people who suffered from depression and the like were weak. "Suck it up" was my motto. Living it made me realize that when the darkness descends it can feel impossible to find the way out. It isn't impossible, but it sure feels that way. So, today during my meditation I asked why do I find myself here? I know there must be a reason, I will wait to see, patience being one of the most important things I have taught myself. And I hear my spirit voice telling me to share. It was time to let some of it out. I knew there would come a time when my journey could help someone else, it has already helped my daughter. Because although I still work at it, I have succeeded. Even a low energy day like today doesn't have the power to bring me down. A part of me simply watches, and waits, to see where this is leading me. I have succeeded without medications or 'band-aids' of any kind. Through courage, faith, perseverance and determination I have found my way back to the light. If it is possible for me, than it is possible for all. Peace & blessings ~ Melinda
Without overwhelming you, and going into too much detail right now, through a series of events I found myself living in the dark and suffocating world of panic disorder. It was hell on earth. From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning, until I gratefully slipped into sleep at night, my days were one terrified breath after another. No words can describe the profound, overwhelming and constant despair that surrounded me, infecting my every thought with fear. Each day was long and lonely, and although I did not actually comtemplate suicide, I can see why others would. A lifetime of this? Suicide may seem your only option, the only door that could free you from this nightmare. The pain was unbearably constant. This was a well guarded secret that I lived, and kept for quite some time. My facade was in place, and I was determined to keep it there, no matter what was going on below the surface. I was very good at it, I must say, until the day I found myself sobbing uncontrollably, to the great dismay of my husband and father, who stood by helpless, and unable to stop the tears of despair.
I had lived my life as the steady one, the oldest of 4 children. I had the most perfect life growing up, two wonderful parents, a stay at home mom, a horse of my own, siblings to bicker and play with. My childhood was solid and joyful, and if given the choice, I would choose it all again. At 21 I married my high school sweetheart, quit my job, bought a house, and started my own pet grooming business, which did remarkably well. I didn't doubt my success for a moment, and as a result, I couldn't, and didn't fail. I had three children, all girls, in quick succession. I decided homeschooling was the only choice for me, and continues to be. As an adult I had one family member after another come to me, often living with me for a spell when their lives were in turmoil because, well, I was rock solid. I talked both my mother and father through their divorce, having been together since they were 17, they didn't really have anyone besides each other to turn to...except me. I say all of this to make the point that this wasn't supposed to happen to someone like me. At 26 or 27 I had things all figured out. Well, I'm sure that it will come as now surprise that the Universe had things to show me, and in order to do that, it had to break down all that I thought I knew, and begin again.
It was a steady descent into panic. I've never been fan of medication, and so resisted for at least a year and a half, until the day of the tears. At that point, I wanted a magic pill. I wanted the pain to go away. I didn't want to try and figure out why this was happening to me anymore, I just wanted it to end. So, I tried the medication. It didn't last. I probably knew it wouldn't. I didn't want to have to depend on meds to keep me happy for the rest of my life. What if at one point I could no longer have access to my magic pills? And what were they doing to my body that no one yet knew? There was a way out, there had to be, that didn't involve just covering up the problem. The little, magic pills didn't really work, but they renewed my hope. I was ready to try again. Relaxation, meditation, books... I tried them all. For approximately three longs years (~1095 miserable days), I was afraid of everything. Going out, staying home, having people over, being alone. Everything made me feel trapped, I needed an "escape" route open to me at all times. Sleep was my only reprieve.
Then I picked up a book. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It didn't just change my life, it gave me a whole new one. I thought I was joyful before (pre-panic)... not even close to the balanced constant peace that I feel most days now. One book would lead me to another, and another. Each day was all about applying and living what I was learning, and although it wasn't easy to undo a lifetime of habits, I gave it everything I had. The journey became a spiritual one, my faith became unshakable. I knew everything would be fine. Period. And then, finally, the day I had been waiting for... a day where I had 2 solid minutes of peace. 2 whole, joyful minutes fear free, and at that time, 2 mintues was an eternity. Later, a day where I had an hour (now that was momentous!) Then a week, a month. I still work on myself. I meditate daily, I continue to read and learn. I know now that the journey well never be complete, and that no matter how much I think I know, there will always be more to learn, valuable jewels waiting for me in the next book, the next sentence, the next words from a stranger's mouth. I have suspended judgements and opinions for this lifetime. I can only know what works for me, no one else. I have found the joy in myself, not through external "things".
And then there are occasional days like today. A very low energy day, depression sneaks in, all of life looks gloomy. I believe that I bring these days to me on occasion, so that I don't forget. Before my foray into anxiety and terror I thought that people who suffered from depression and the like were weak. "Suck it up" was my motto. Living it made me realize that when the darkness descends it can feel impossible to find the way out. It isn't impossible, but it sure feels that way. So, today during my meditation I asked why do I find myself here? I know there must be a reason, I will wait to see, patience being one of the most important things I have taught myself. And I hear my spirit voice telling me to share. It was time to let some of it out. I knew there would come a time when my journey could help someone else, it has already helped my daughter. Because although I still work at it, I have succeeded. Even a low energy day like today doesn't have the power to bring me down. A part of me simply watches, and waits, to see where this is leading me. I have succeeded without medications or 'band-aids' of any kind. Through courage, faith, perseverance and determination I have found my way back to the light. If it is possible for me, than it is possible for all. Peace & blessings ~ Melinda