Lost in the fog/forest/desert/wilderness/maze/underground/crowd

 So many things going through my mind today.

Realising that again I had got sucked into someone else’s path and was trying to channel someone else's charism and persona.  Sigh.  Find the mistake, unravel the knitting, pick up the stitches, start again.  My family is patient.

Then I got to thinking, when I do this it’s voodoo really – avoiding stepping on the cracks between the paving stones so the bears won’t get you (US and Aussie and Canadian and Swedish children do this too, right?).

I try to hold the chaos at bay by courses of action – if I wear this, if I buy that, if I eat this, if I go without that.  And I guess courses of action do help, up to a point.  I mean, if we save rainwater and thereby draw off less tapwater, it has to save pennies on our budget if nothing else – and plus you have to be the change you want to see in the world; and I surely do want to see us stop sucking Mother Earth dry.   Then there’s the bees.  If we plant the right flowers in our garden and stay away from toxic chemicals, it will help them. 

But then . . . there’s all the electromagnetic mess from microwaves and cellphones and whatnot.  And complicated metals that I don’t even know about implicated in making computers.  And light pollution and nuclear power stations and asthma from car exhausts and greenhouse gases – and you know and I know that’s just the tip of the iceberg, I could go on all day.

Even if I do my very best and get as obsessive as only I can be – what difference can I make?  Apart from, to myself and the patient people who have to live with me.

I guess there comes a day when one just has to grieve that Mother Earth is dying, that wars will never cease, that religion will always bring alienation and persecution alongside its many blessings – that wherever there is Christ there is a cross, as messy and bloody and painful and impossible to get round as it ever was, at the heart of the way things are.

It makes such a wave of sorrow in me, that I am a childish person, and not very good at life, and I get things wrong so often – like, most of the time.  I never seem to learn.  I only need to meet someone who tells me “Wear this type of hat and dress, it’s what God wants:” and instead of taking the obvious course and saying “Chum, you’re sweet, but you’re off your trolley,” I do the thing (Apologies, of course, if you are a person who believes it makes a difference to God what type of hat and dress you wear).

And then the other day I was reading a book by this guy who believes money is the problem and we should all live without it.  I mean he rides a bike and goes dumpster diving and wears clothes and I couldn't help thinking, "Wait - but surely . . . "  Even so, I felt guilty, and so I should.  Friend, you have no idea with what cheerful abandon I can spend money.  Savings, what are they?

And food!  Everything that crosses our lips seems to cause some kind of damage – cheese gives me heartburn and requires the slaughter of calves, eggs require (male) baby chicks to be gassed en masse, abattoirs are the theatres of atrocities that sear the soul for ever, potatoes tomatoes peppers and aubergines are nightshades that do something bad I can’t remember, margarine is basically paint or something in disguise, rapeseed oil messes with your lungs, palm oil starts wars and causes indigenous people to be turned off their land, bread bloats your gut, anything processed is inherently evil for all the usual reasons – Geez!!! What’s left to eat?  No pancakes, no ice-cream no currant buns, no Sunday roast, no macaroni cheese – British apples R us, right?

Crossroads?  I feel like I got lost on a traffic island in Spaghetti Junction!

It is rather late at night and I was very ill yesterday.  Take this with a pinch on salt.  No, wait - I think you'd better not do that . . .  OK, just stick to the hat and the dress and avoid the cracks between the paving stones and maybe the sky won't fall and the bears won't get you after all (in your dreams . . .)

Life is s o o o o o  v e r y  d i f f i c u l t

It has no script, no map and no certain outcomes.  Before you rush to tell me, yes I do believe in Jesus, and I do know about prayer and the Bible - I'm just saying; even then.


365 366 Day 104 – Friday April 13th

This was a sweet little hook kindly given to us that lived in our kitchen for a while.